It's been awhile..

Not much too new in the neighborhood. JJ has been doing well. A major decrease in crazy tantrums (haven't seen any nasty ones since October, YAY!) and an overall improvement in his mood and behavior. We moved him from the large daycare center to a home daycare, but I'm not happy about the home placement. Luckily, I found a small center in town and can switch him there in January. He is also starting preschool in town three mornings a week next Monday and I think that should go okay. They'll get to see what a bundle of fun he can be in a group environment!

We've also had no birth family contact since Nov 4 which I think is a huge thing. I've started a facebook for him for birth family which has given me a huge window in his life, his birth family, and what things would look like if he was still there. We're going to see Tummy Mummy again in January and meet baby brother A again (he will be almost a year old!). He is very cute and we'll have to pick out some gifts for him.

The worst part about moving daycare was having to say goodbye to baby brother. :( It's been hard, probably harder for me, and Jacob had some nasty nightmares post-move. But we're moving beyond it. It was time to say goodbye. It was time to let our whole family just officially grieve his loss and move on. He will forever be loved by us and be part of our family (his pictures will always be on our wall) but it's time to let Jacob grow up. And move from being JJ to Jacob.

Speaking of, our adoption date is SET!!! December 22. We can't wait!!! He will finally be my forever son, there will be no more fears of someone taking him away from me, and birth contact will happen on my choice. Life is pretty good. Jacob turned 4, he is singing more, he is trying to learn to count, he can totally dress himself, and he loves to read. He's a pretty amazing little guy! Autism has tried to get in our way, but we're not going to let it. I am going to fight tooth and nail to get him some services (luckily starting a new job so he can access some autism supports now) so he can be the best little him he can be.

Hopefully I'll get to updating this a little more frequently. On baby making news, I'm in the wait from IUI number 8. What a ridiculous process this has been. Really hoping this one sticks. The numbers all looked awesome and everything lined up perfectly. Just a matter of time, waiting, and prayers. So, fingers crossed December is our month all around!!

Milestones and meltdowns.

Had our biofather termination visit today. It was a disaster. JJ cried, tantrum'd and fell asleep in my lap in the visit. I learned he has a baby brother who is turning 2 in a few days. I'm trying to reach out to his family to make sure he has ties to birth siblings, in particular, and hitting some road blocks. Birthmother cancelled her visit for today which while I found it surprisingly, other people didn't. One person's words were "what's her excuse this time?". I am sad for Jacob that he may not have contact with her. I think it is important for him but I can't force people to do things. I just want to be able to tell him that I did what I could to expose him to people who love him and healthy situations. He'll have to know the truth about certain family members at some point, and I hope he is at a point where he can handle hearing the bad information that is a part of his past. I love him and want to protect him, but also want him informed. This open adoption parenting doesn't get easier, does it? It's hard to make sure you "do it right". He'll find something either way to be angry about. I dread the day I hear "I wish I had never been adopted" though I know I'll hear it!

The sh*t hits the fan.

Well, I think I've officially determined the "big feeling" that causes the emotional hurricane that follows JJ from bio visits. He misses his brother. His baby brother who was my life for 18 months before he went to his bio dad, who refuses to let down his selfish front and let the boys have a relationship because God forbid, that means he might see me. And we know I am The Big Bad Foster Mother who loved his son to death and cared for him like my own flesh and blood for his entire life before you met him. But yeah, Mean Nasty Hateful Woman right here. You nailed it on the head.

The evening went like this. Tantrum over having to go pee, tantrum over getting pajamas out, tantrum over having to leave my side (glued to my hip) to go to bed. He fell asleep okay (thank you medicine) but within two hours was mid-nightmare/night terror. Banging on his door, screaming and crying. So I go down to check out the mess and he is wandering in a circle by his bed with his blanket.

Me: What's wrong?
JJ: I just crying.
Me: I know, why are you crying? (tucking him back in bed and putting the blanket over his head)
JJ: I miss my Christian. (insert heart break) I picked him up to rub his back and rock him, to which he grabbed my neck and began to cry again.
Me: I know baby, I know.
JJ: I just miss him, Mommy.

So, I took the bear down that was supposed to be Christian's "Adoption Bear" and tucked it into bed with him and told him "THis is your brother's bear. When you miss him, you can hug him." My poor aching heart baby boy. I kissed him and rubbed his back for what seemed like forever then broke down into tears. I adore this baby and want him to be happy and stop hurting for a little while so he can feel normal.

Take 3 deep breaths...

I really need to utilize this blog more frequently to liberate myself from some of the overwhelming situations that have occurred recently. Visits continue to take place with the bios and continue to haunt this little boy. This morning he decided he was upset enough to tell me he was going to choke me, his grandmother, and our dog. He is at least learning to verbalize his aggression rather than just act on it, but it still scares me. Will I honestly need to keep my door locked to be able to sleep through the night without worrying he may act on his impulses? It's certainly not the life I had imagined.

Still hoping that in another month we may finally get a resolution to his case. Can't wait to get the call that he can be forever mine! 19 months of this ongoing battle is enough.

In baby news, I'm still trying. It kills me to see that nearly every facebook friend has changed their profile picture to a baby sonogram picture. It makes me want to rip my heart out. I'm trying some special baby making medicine with a prayer that this may finally be enough to create the magic! Having something good to focus on instead of the constant sadness around this place will be a pleasant change. Things happen for a reason, I'm just trying to take in the ability to accept that I am not in control of this life!

Waiting, again.

Still in limbo on so many situations. Last months' baby try didn't take so will be doing it again in June. Really praying it works out soon. I want nothing more than to be pregnant and mother a baby again!!

JJ's trial is on hold until August. There is pretrial in June and dates set mid-August. He had a very hard time after his visit yesterday and I can't wait for TPR so these visits can stop haunting this little boy and ruining every sense of security he has. I adore him, but need some stability in our life so he can settle and I can just focus on loving him and helping him, not mending wounds that keep appearing out of left field. I think something serious happened in his past based on this new information, and it breaks my heart that these things can happen.

Heaven is real.

Well, not as exciting and happy news to post today. Sadly, I lost my baby on March 11, and it was confirmed by ultrasound and bloodwork 3.14. I still believe things happen for a reason, and something didn't align for this baby. I know that I am strong enough to do this again and I am just waiting for things to line up right again to try once more for my sweet rainbow baby! At the end of the storm, through all the tears and heartache, the rainbow will shine and this baby will be here when it is meant to be.

I can't wait to try again. It looks like May might be a month of happy experiences. JJ has his trial date again (follow up from earlier) and I just am praying so hard that they look everything over and TPR that day!!! So we can hurry up and move forward with our lives. And hopefully a week or so later I will be trying to get pregnant. Here is hoping May is a great month!!

The Journey Begins.

The journey begins with my first positive pregnancy test! Becoming a mother has been an ongoing two and a half year process for me. As a single mother by choice, my journey has taken a few twists and turns I never anticipated. I began the journey on the road to adoption by way of foster care. My first placement was the most amazing 2 day old baby boy we called Christian. I was so blessed to parent him and have him in my life. He grew into quite an amazing little guy! Sadly, due to things beyond our control, his destiny was not to be adopted into our family and instead a bio father came forward and obtained custody when he was almost 18 months old. When he was 8 months old, however, his older brother, JJ, came to live with us. He is now almost 3 1/2 and is quite the rolling ball of energy. Our path to adoption is far from complete with numerous obstacles yet to come.

My goal of being a mommy continued in September when I met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Luckily, I had an amazing doctor. She helped me rule out any problems with becoming pregnant and we made a plan to do Intra Uterine Inseminations at her clinic. My first IUI was at 9:45am on Valentine's Day! I had my mother with me for support and could not believe my dreams of being a mom were about to potentially be realized. Now I entered what many TTCers (Trying to Conceive) call the dreaded Two Week Wait (the time between insemination and when you can test to see if you are pregnant). On Thursday, February 24 at 8:00pm I took my first home pregnancy test. Within 4 minutes the words PREGNANT were staring me in the face. I was stunned, overjoyed, thrilled! Perhaps jumping the gun, I made the announcement to my closest friends and family.

To date, it still doesn't feel real! I go in for blood work for a beta level tomorrow morning. I am so excited to begin this journey! I will be counting down the days to my first ultrasound (once I get the date!).