The sh*t hits the fan.

Well, I think I've officially determined the "big feeling" that causes the emotional hurricane that follows JJ from bio visits. He misses his brother. His baby brother who was my life for 18 months before he went to his bio dad, who refuses to let down his selfish front and let the boys have a relationship because God forbid, that means he might see me. And we know I am The Big Bad Foster Mother who loved his son to death and cared for him like my own flesh and blood for his entire life before you met him. But yeah, Mean Nasty Hateful Woman right here. You nailed it on the head.

The evening went like this. Tantrum over having to go pee, tantrum over getting pajamas out, tantrum over having to leave my side (glued to my hip) to go to bed. He fell asleep okay (thank you medicine) but within two hours was mid-nightmare/night terror. Banging on his door, screaming and crying. So I go down to check out the mess and he is wandering in a circle by his bed with his blanket.

Me: What's wrong?
JJ: I just crying.
Me: I know, why are you crying? (tucking him back in bed and putting the blanket over his head)
JJ: I miss my Christian. (insert heart break) I picked him up to rub his back and rock him, to which he grabbed my neck and began to cry again.
Me: I know baby, I know.
JJ: I just miss him, Mommy.

So, I took the bear down that was supposed to be Christian's "Adoption Bear" and tucked it into bed with him and told him "THis is your brother's bear. When you miss him, you can hug him." My poor aching heart baby boy. I kissed him and rubbed his back for what seemed like forever then broke down into tears. I adore this baby and want him to be happy and stop hurting for a little while so he can feel normal.

Take 3 deep breaths...

I really need to utilize this blog more frequently to liberate myself from some of the overwhelming situations that have occurred recently. Visits continue to take place with the bios and continue to haunt this little boy. This morning he decided he was upset enough to tell me he was going to choke me, his grandmother, and our dog. He is at least learning to verbalize his aggression rather than just act on it, but it still scares me. Will I honestly need to keep my door locked to be able to sleep through the night without worrying he may act on his impulses? It's certainly not the life I had imagined.

Still hoping that in another month we may finally get a resolution to his case. Can't wait to get the call that he can be forever mine! 19 months of this ongoing battle is enough.

In baby news, I'm still trying. It kills me to see that nearly every facebook friend has changed their profile picture to a baby sonogram picture. It makes me want to rip my heart out. I'm trying some special baby making medicine with a prayer that this may finally be enough to create the magic! Having something good to focus on instead of the constant sadness around this place will be a pleasant change. Things happen for a reason, I'm just trying to take in the ability to accept that I am not in control of this life!